Today I went to lunch with an ex and no, it did not count as a date. After breaking up two months ago we finally sat down and caught up. I’ll admit it, I didn’t really want to go at first. This was a guy who I was completely smitten with, who I saw myself with in the long term, and who hurt me deeply when he told me he wanted to downgrade our relationship and be able to see other people again. He said he had jumped into our relationship too quickly without thinking it through and had second thoughts about his capability to commit to one person. I was angry at his insensitivity and felt pretty worthless, leading to me listening of Jennifer Hudson’s Kennedy Center performance of “I’m Here” on repeat for two days:
After a few days of thought I decided that if my ex didn’t realize why I was important enough to commit to then he would just have to miss out. We met at the spot of our first date and I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. It was a growing moment for me as I learned to not allow myself to be unappreciated and that any guy that I date has to be committed to me at the same level that I’m committed to me. He has to need me as much as I need him.
Over the last two months he and I have kept in light contact but I tried to limit my communication with him to drive home my point, which is that he can’t take people for granted like a commodity or a stock option. We attempted to find a time that worked mutually to get together for tea or lunch but they all fell through. Finally, last night he asked if I wanted to get lunch today. Having nothing to do this afternoon I agreed.
At first our lunch was a little awkward as we caught up on school, work, family, and friends. I knew that he had been seeing a guy for a while and was curious how that was going. Since my dating life is so publically transmitted to the world, and knowing that he has read about most of my dates (I’m actually he has read about all of my dates since he knew little details about each one), I decided that asking him to tell me about his dating life wasn’t inappropriate.
“How’re things going with your guy?” I inquired.
“They’re…fizzling.” He replied.
When I asked what happened he explained that the guy he had been dating had started to try to get back together with his ex, leaving my ex in a weird state of uncertainty. While his new man didn’t end the relationship, he had become hot and cold, at times wanting to be with my ex, and other times being distant and quiet. “At this point, he’s got nothing to lose with me. He knows I like him a lot and want to be with him, even though he wants to be back with his ex. I know it’s only going to end badly for me.” I couldn’t help but smirk a bit as I pointed out to him that karma had come back to bit him.
“Do you understand now what I felt like at the end of our relationship?” I asked him. He said that’s why he was telling me what had happened, so I could see the irony of the situation. I laughed out loud and told him he was learning the lesson that I had to learn with him.
“So, you’ve been on ten dates now. What have you learned?” He asked me.
His question caused me to think. What have I learned in the past two months? How have I grown? What changes have I made? And where do I see it all going? As I reflected in the little café where we ate lunch and even more as I have gone throughout the day I narrowed it down to three things:
1) I love people. I am so appreciative of the ten individuals who have taken the chance to go out on a date with me and to give me a half hour, hour, twelve hours of their lives. In a world where our time is squeezed more and more it is a lot to ask someone to do. And I’m grateful for them. I have met ten fascinating individuals and have ninety to go and I love them all. Honestly, I feel love towards them all, even if it’s not a romantic love. In fact, I would go on a limb and say I’m trying to love all the people in my life even more these days. It’s a hard claim for me to make. It could easily be viewed that the guys I’m going on dates with are just a number to me, another date to go on and another guy to meet. But I value each person who comes into my life (through this dating experience or otherwise) and I’m just grateful to have them around.
2) Honest communication is key. There are so many different ways we communicate. We text. We call. We email. We wink. We poke. We smile. We touch. We laugh. We roll our eyes. We gaze. We kiss. We love. But even with all of the signals and words and imprints we send towards other people, we sometimes forget to be honest in what we’re communicating. Instead of saying “I actually can’t hang out with you because I’m dating my ex-boyfriend again”, we say “I have to work really early in the morning tomorrow so I can’t hang out with you tonight.” (Or the next two times we have planned to hang out.) Or we kiss passionately at the end of a date, even if we don’t plan on calling ever again. We live in a cultural climate where we are bombarded with communication on constant basis (my iPhone has buzzed with 12 notifications in the 45 minutes since I sat down to write this), let’s at least try to be honest in the communication that we are sending. As disappointed as I was when date #8 said, “I really am enjoying my time with you and getting to know you and having fun, I need you to know that we can only be friends and that’s all I can handle in my life right now.” I was also grateful that he was honest. And we remain friends now. I am trying to be more honest in my communication as well.
3) I’m young. I like to think of myself as a wise person and as someone who has lived through a lot. And in a lot of ways I have. I’ve lived outside the country for two years. Gone through a rigorous business education program at one of the best schools in the nation. Travelled throughout the United States. Performed in one of the most amazing theaters in the West (in my humble opinion). Joined the Mormon Church. Come out of the closet. Changed my spiritual views. I’ve done a lot of with my life so far and am proud of what I’ve accomplished. But I’m still young. Especially when it comes to dating and love, and even more especially when it comes to gay dating and love. I find myself realizing more and more each day how little I know about loving others, even though I feel like I try my best to do so honestly and genuinely. Reminding myself regularly that I don’t know everything there is to know about relationships and that I am still relatively new to the game helps me keep things in perspective. I’m allowed to make mistakes, as long as I try my best not to repeat them. That’s what being young is all about right?
So, here I am, 10% of the way through this experiment and ready to go on 90 more dates. The task still seems daunting at times, but it’s still very exciting and exhilarating. I’m excited to meet 90 more individuals and learn from them (If you know of anyone please send them my way. I’m always looking.) and to continue to share with you all what I’m learning along the way.
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