#13- Owning It

“You’re coming here today!!!! I better get to see you!”

I had just stepped off my short plane ride from Portland to Salt Lake City when I got his text message. We had dated during my last two weeks in Salt Lake City before moving away. It had been a somewhat whirlwind dating experience. He was young. Too young. 18 years young, which although legal is still too young. We had met through a mutual friend and our winter fling just sort of happened. I saw him nearly every day for two weeks. It was innocent and lovely because he was innocent and lovely. He was smitten with me and when I moved away from Utah I think I may have broken part of his heart. I, too, was pained by my planned departure.

Once I arrived in Portland he and I kept in close touch, calling each other daily and going through our days. We talked about finding a way to be in the same city again and building a relationship. It became apparent to me though that a relationship was out of the picture for us. I began meeting new people and dating, eventually getting serious with another guy. My young romance had safe and protective. But it was young. Genuine, but young. As I reflected more and more on the fling I realized that what I had liked most about him was that he was so enamored with me, which is neither healthy or sustainable. Beyond that there wasn’t much that interested me about him on a romantic or relationship level.

Our contact lessened over the months and he became a happy memory that I kept with me from my time in Utah. When I posted on Facebook that I would be spending a week in March in Salt Lake City to visit friends and see some of the musicals they were appearing in I got a phone call from him telling me how excited he was to see me. Hearing his voice after quite a while got me excited as well, but also nervous to see him. All of our conversations since I had moved away had created a fairly immature impression of him on me, and I was worried that we wouldn’t have very much to talk about besides how much we had missed each other. Indeed, when we had been together all we really talked about was how much it sucked that I was moving away. The lack of substance in our previous conversations concerned me, and I was sure it would be the same when I visited him after so long. It was with this hesitation that I agreed to hang out with him for a sunny afternoon in downtown Salt Lake City.

On the day of our date he texted me and asked what I wanted to do. I told him that we could do whatever and that he could decide. He said he’d think about it and get back to me later. We texted back and forth about our plans and he basically said that he didn’t have any idea of things to do in the downtown area, even though he works and go to school in the area. I started to get annoyed by his indecisiveness and told him I’d meet him at his work (he needed to pick up his paycheck) and we could walk around and talk.

I took the fifteen minute walk from the apartment where I was staying downtown to the Gateway, an outdoor mall that features some of my favorite stores including Urban Outfitters and the JMR (they sell Toms Shoes and that’s about it). I meandered through Urban Outfitters, tempted to try on a sweater they had on sale but then remembered that I was late to meet #13. I left the store and started walking towards his store, still hesitant about hanging out with him. As I walked past the huge window in the front of his work he saw me and ran out the door, pulling me into a tight hug. He looked so thrilled to see me and I was reminded of that youthful and innocent admiration that I had enjoyed from him before. It made me smile to see him so excited.

We walked around the mall for a while, stopping in a few stores and chatting about the various events in our lives. He talked about how his first year at school was wrapping up and how he was excited to start performing at an amusement park during the summer. I explained the work I had been doing for my father and the new plans I had to return to Utah for the summer to perform at a theater I had previously worked for. The conversation was fine, but he seemed nervous and awkward around me. I was getting frustrated as I had to push the conversation along, asking lots of questions and getting really basic answers from him. We finally reached the end of the mall and started walking towards Trax, Utah’s light rail system.

“So, now what?” I queried.

“Umm, I don’t know. What do you want to do?” He replied.

“I’m here for you. I just want to be able to talk with you and get up to speed with how you’re doing.” I was growing more agitated by the minute. Why was he so indecisive?

“Well, I don’t really know of anything to do down here. So, yeah.”

“You’re telling me you don’t know of anything in this area? You work here. You go to school around here. There has to be something you know of.” I was about to walk away and head back towards the apartment. There was a yoga class I was missing for this date that I wanted to take and at this point I was completely confident that it would be more fulfilling than what I was experiencing.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do.” He looked away from me as we sat down at the Trax station.

“Ok, well then you get on Trax and take it to your car and go home. I’m gonna walk back to where I’m staying.” I was over the date and experience. He was too young for me and didn’t have a personality. It wasn’t his fault entirely. He’s 18 and still trying to figure out who he is himself. I stood up and he stopped me.

“No, let’s stay and keep talking. We can just walk around and talk and find something to do. I want to keep talking.” I considered being a complete jerk and telling him I needed to go to yoga, but his sincerity got the best of me. We took the Trax train two stops and started walking towards Jimmy Johns. I was hungry and a sandwich sounded appealing. We sat down in the back of the restaurant and I handed him half of my sandwich. He had mentioned that he was hungry earlier but hadn’t cashed his paycheck yet. I knew he wouldn’t ask for the sandwich so I just placed it in front of him.

“Thank you. You really don’t have to though.” He protested.

“I know I don’t have to. But you’re hungry. So eat.” He smiled at me and took a bite of the sandwich, some of the sprouts falling to the table.

“So,” I started, “Have you come out to your Mom yet?” I asked. #13 is an only child and has lived with his Mom for years. He doesn’t have a lot of contact with his Dad (actually there’s a lot of built up resentment towards his father) and because of this, he has a very special and close bond with his mother. Although his mother is not religious and not explicitly against homosexuality, #13 thinks she’d be more than disappointed if he came out because she always talks about him getting married and having kids.

“No, not yet.” #13 replied. “I want to wait until I move out of her house to tell her.”

“Why? If she is uncomfortable with you being gay then that’s her thing to deal with, not yours.”

He explained to me that he was worried about letting her down or not fulfilling her expectations of him. As he talked it became more and more apparent how young my friend is. However, the annoyance that I had felt earlier turned to sympathy. It was only a little over a year ago that I had been afraid of letting down my parents, friends, and leaders for not fulfilling their expectations of me. #13 explained the anxiety that he felt constantly and the almost neuroticism in which the anxiety displayed itself. He spoke of sleepless nights where he would think about nothing but somehow not be able to drift to sleep. So much of what he recounted resonated with me. After listening for ten minutes or so I finally spoke.

“You know you’re a good person, right? And that you deserve to be happy?” I asked him. His eyes started to water up as he stared at me. “You know that whoever you are, be it gay, straight, bisexual, whatever, that you’re a good, even a great person, right? You believe me when I say that?” He nodded his head as he tried to hold back a tear.

“Until you know for yourself who you are and come to terms with it, then you’re going to be floating. You’ll do things you don’t really want to do. You’ll be afraid and anxious. You’ll worry. But when you know who you are and what you’re passionate about, you’ll be amazing. You have infinite potential to do incredible things with your life, but first you have to own who you are. Own it.”

As we were talking I remembered a quote from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden. I quickly looked it up on my phone and read it to #13.

“I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favour in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

He took the quote in, wiped his eyes and smiled. “Why do you always make me cry?” We laughed and I put my hand on his shoulder.

“I love you and will always be here for you, no matter what choices you make in your life. My love is unconditional, as is my friendship.”

Our date ended and we went our separate ways; him to the Trax station and me back to the apartment. As I walked I received a text from him thanking me for the talk. I was grateful that I hadn’t been a jerk and left him an hour before at the Trax station. Since coming out I have felt a duty to help other young men understand that they are loved and cared about, just as they are. And even though I have tried my best to help others learn that lesson, I still find myself struggling to accept it. We don’t have to be anyone that we’re not. We don’t have to try to impress or get the approval of others or apologize for being who we are. All we have to do is love ourselves and love others.

Recently I have been taking a lot of yoga classes and they are honestly some of the most fulfilling hours I spend during the week. At the end of class the teacher has us meditate for 5-10 minutes and he always finishes the meditation by instructing us to “breath in gratitude and love for yourself and for the world. Love yourself. Be grateful for this time that you have had.” While in class last night I finally let those words sink in and become true. And I felt complete.