#11 and #12- Reality Check

No, I didn’t go on a date with two different people at the same time (what I would call a threesie), nor did I go on a date with a couple (which is polyamory). I went on two separate dates with two separate people, but the experience with both of them at the end was so similar that it warrants one post together. I have to prelude what I’m going to write by saying that although they are being written together this is no way diminishes their value as people or the gratitude I have for both of them taking some time to go out on a date with me. They’re both unique and wonderful individuals with a lot to offer the world. And they both have one thing in common for me…

There was no spark. No chemistry. No light. It just wasn’t there with either of them.

Date #11 was a coffee date (not an ambiguous coffee date either; we decided to go to coffee for our date) on a late Wednesday night. We met online on a new website I had found called Ok Cupid! and he had asked me out after we had messaged back and forth for a few days. It’s amazing the type of person we can create in our mind from a few pictures and a handful of three to four sentence messages. In his pictures #11 looked pensive and intellectual, gazing out over a pond in one, and smiling confidently towards the camera in another, wearing those trendy black rimmed glasses that I buy at Urban Outfitters that have no prescription but make me look smarter. He told me that he attends a small liberal arts in Portland and was a senior studying economics preparing to graduate in May. He hails from Southern California but had grown to love the Pacific Northwest in the four years he had gone to school here. His messages were sincere and kind, and he seemed eager to meet me in person from what I shared about my life.

I had begun to paint a picture of the guy in my mind and started to feel a connection to him as we chatted back and forth. I started to imagine how our date would go. We’d start out at coffee and chat about intellectual topics ranging from Dickens to the current struggles in the Middle East. He had mentioned that he was a political science major. I’d tell him about my dance classes and what I had learned that night before our date. We’d leave coffee and walk around the neighborhood, spending hours talking before ending the date with a hug, maybe a kiss. There’d be chemistry like no other. Maybe he’d be the one that ended this experiment. I had said recently that I was open to love coming in and taking me away, so it wasn’t out of the question.

Well, he wasn’t. It’s not that he had lied about anything or misrepresented himself in any way. He just wasn’t the guy that I had made him to be in mind. Although he was indeed smart, it was actually more nerdy and awkward than a smooth intellectual. While he looked confident in his pictures online, he acted nervous and anxious as he sat across from. He had a habit of picking at his fingers when asked a question and couldn’t keep eye contact with me for very long while we interacted. I could tell he was being earnest and sincere though, which was endearing. It’s possible that he was way out of his comfort zone as he confessed that he hadn’t dated very much in the past because he was so focused with school. It showed as I was forced to be the driving force of our conversation, asking the majority of questions (and follow up questions) to keep things moving.

After 45 minutes I got a call from my sister who said that my grandmother was out of surgery to remove her gall bladder and that I needed to get to the hospital to help with some things. I told #11 that I needed to excuse myself and he understood. Quite frankly I was ready for the date to be over. He was an extremely nice guy and I thought he was admirable for stepping out of his element. But any type of chemistry, even to try a second date, was absent at for me. Maybe I had been let down by my false expectations. Or perhaps he was nervous on the first date and would calm down more on the second. But it wasn’t happening for me.

The next day I got a text from him asking how my grandmother was doing and if I wanted to go out again. I was surprised by his request, but placed in an awkward situation. While I was flattered that he asked me, I knew that it would be futile since I didn’t see it leading to anything. I responded, “Hey! I’m really flattered that you asked me out again, but I would only want to do so as friends.” He texted a few hours later saying that he was grateful for my honesty and that I didn’t lead him on. However, I didn’t hear from him again about hanging out.

A few days later I went on date #12. We were set up by an acquaintance of mine who had read the blog and thought his friend might be interested. #12 called me (yes, called. Sometimes people call instead of text! It was refreshing!) to set up a date and we ended up talking for about 20 minutes getting to know one another. After we got off the phone I was pretty excited to meet #12 in person. He had called me (not texted), was attractive (his friend had shown me a picture), and had been so easy to talk to over the phone. The foundation was in place for a wonderful date.

Or so I thought.

On the morning of our lunch date I went to my dance class in NW Portland and decided to call to confirm the time and place for lunch. It was 9 or so when I called and I could tell from the way he answered that he was still asleep.

“We still on for today?” I queried.

“Umm…yeah.” He responded.

“Great!” I said.

“Actually, I’m really, really tired this morning and have to work tonight. Would you mind if we postponed until next week? I had a hard time getting to sleep last night and I just don’t see myself making it to lunch on time or even that alert.”

I was put off by his request. I knew that he was an ICU nurse and worked the graveyard shift, so it was understandable that he would be tired from a 12-hour shift. However, he also had told me that he hadn’t worked the night before and had stayed in Portland with some friends so that he could run some errands and then go on our date. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and set up a different time for lunch. Although I was still put off by having sleep chosen over a date with me, I tried to look on the bright side. At least he hadn’t slept through the whole date or stood me up completely.

By the time our next date rolled around I was less enthused to meet #12. It wasn’t that I was bitter or annoyed about being cancelled on, but the initial excitement I had to meet him was reduced by what had happened. Perhaps he didn’t think I was nearly as interesting as I had thought him from our original phone conversation? As I walked into Petit Province on Alberta Street (a great little pastry shop and café) I put everything behind me and focused instead on the enthusiasm I had for #12 initially. I slapped on a smile and found him inside the café waiting for me.

All hopes I had for #12 redeeming himself faded away within the first ten minutes of conversation. He had a sarcastic and abrasive personality that turned me off almost immediately. When I told him that I was trying to reduce the amount of carbs I consume he started shooting questions at me, asking me a bunch of scientific questions about why reducing carbs would be a healthy choice. When I couldn’t answer his questions and said that I had read about it in a few magazines he smirked at me and said condescendingly, “Well, I would do some proper research before making a choice like that.”

I’m not a confrontational person by nature. I try to look at the positive sides of a situation, especially when I’m meeting people for the first time. You could call me a modern day Lucy Manette from Tale of Two Cities. But #12 was frustrating me more and more by the minute. Where was the sweet guy that had called me to ask me out? The one who had talked to me for twenty minutes without even meeting me? The one that seemed so kind? Just like #11, #12 turned out to be miles away from the man that I had created in my mind. Thankfully the date only lasted about an hour because I had to get to a class in a different neighborhood. I didn’t even hug #12 goodbye at the end. I just thanked him for meeting me and left the restaurant. It’s been over a week since our date and neither he nor I have contacted one another, which I’m completely fine with.

I’ve said before that I really do like blind dates. I enjoy being set up by friends or acquaintances and meeting new people, but it can be so hit and miss. More than anything I learned on dates #11 and #12 that people can be so different from what we create in our minds. We all have expectations when we go on a date about personality, looks, likeability, how fun the date will be, and myriad other factors. When our expectations are met then we feel satisfied. We might even go on another date with the person. When the person and/or the date exceed our expectations then it’s very likely that we’ll need to go on another date. “If the first date was so great, how much greater will the second date be?” we often think. But when the date and/or person don’t meet our expectations (or are completely off the mark from our expectations) then we usually don’t want to go out again. So, do we lower our expectations so that they can be easily met? After all, maybe my expectations were just too high for #11 and #12. I’m sure they actually are both really great guys. But, they just didn’t fulfill what I was looking for. They didn’t meet my expectations. That doesn’t change their inherent value as people, it just means they aren’t for me.

So, no, I’m not going to lower my expectations, the first expectation being that there has to be chemistry and spark. That’s a hard one to describe but an easy one to feel. And I definitely didn’t feel it with 11 and 12.