#10-Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's Forty

Throughout the past few weeks I have met literally hundreds of people through social networking events, going out to bars and clubs, hanging out with friends (and their friends), and doing business for my father’s company. As I’ve previously talked about, I love meeting people and hearing their stories, understanding their passions and desires and what they want to make of their life. Most often I am around people that are in their 20s and have the world at their fingertips (even if they don’t see it like that). For the most part the people who form my peer group are single, recently graduated from college or currently enrolled in college, full of energy and vitality, and ready to change the world with their ideas and projects. It’s very seldom that I have the chance to sit down with a friend who does as much “looking back” as they do “looking forward” in terms of where they are in life and where they want to be.

When I set out on this social experiment I put three minimum requirements that guys would have to fulfill in order to go on a date with me. First, they have to be between 21 and 35 years old. Second, they have to either have a college degree (or be working towards one) or a compelling explanation of why they didn’t go to school. And lastly, they have to be passionate about SOMETHING and be able to hold a conversation about it. #10 didn’t fulfill the first or second requirement. He went into the banking industry without finishing school (and has become quite successful within the industry). And he’s…40. Yep, the big 4-0. Recently my family and I just celebrated my dad’s girlfriend’s fortieth birthday party. My mother is only a year older at 41 and my father will turn 45 this June. Needless to say, I usually consider people in their forties as parental figures, not possible soul mates. But, #10 had asked me on a date and I had been attempting to institute a “Never say no” policy, inspired by Maria Dahvana Headley’s memoir “The Year of Yes”, so I said yes. I was also attending #10’s fortieth birthday when this occurred and, being without a gift to offer the birthday boy, I gave him the only thing I can honestly afford at this point, which is my time.

I was attending his birthday party with the Polys (#2 and partner) as a stop on our way to Blow Pony, the monthly queer dance that is thrown in Portland at Club Rotture, and I really didn’t know anyone at the birthday party. After a rousing, harmonized rendition of “Happy Birthday” the cake was cut and passed out amongst the guests and I decided to finally introduce myself to the birthday boy and thank him for letting me crash his party. As I extended my hand to him I could tell instantly that he was interested in me. While we conversed he kept his hand on my lower back and when I mentioned that I was trying to go on 100 dates this year his eyes lit up and he asked, “Can I be number ten?” I thought about it for a split second and decided “to hell with the rules” and said, “Of course!” We exchanged numbers and I told him I’d let him know when I hit date number nine so that we could set up our date.

At this point I’m sure you’ve all conjured up in your minds an image of #10 that is more similar to my would-be date #9; that is, an old creeper. But #10 is the youngest looking 40 year old that I’ve ever met. He’s a little bit shorter than me, in wonderful shape, perfect smile, short hair, and a wardrobe straight from Nordstrom. His personal appearance is noticeably important to him and he does a lot to make sure that he looks good, both qualities that I appreciate.

Over the next two weeks I ran into #10 a number of times and on each occasion he would ask me when our date would be. I assured him that I was working on getting to #10 and that when it was time for our date I would give him a call. He was obviously excited about the idea of going on a date with me and at first that turned me off. “Why is someone my parent’s age so interested in going on a date with me?” I thought. Maybe I should have agreed to go on a date with him. I had set the age limit at 35 because I thought I could never imagine myself with a man over that age. I felt bad having agreed to the date and then going back on my acceptance. What would it hurt me to go on a date with him?

I began to ask myself why age was such an issue for me. If Ashton could fall for Demi, why couldn’t I go for an older man? Was it really #10’s age that was keeping me from getting excited about the date or was it something else? What really is age anyways? Is it just a number as many of my friends have preached to me? Or is it actually unimaginable that I could end up with a man that graduated the same year as my mother? Isn’t that what I keep telling people I’m looking for? Someone mature who knows what he wants and likes?

The questions began to pile up in my mind until finally I stopped thinking. I realized that all of the energy I was putting into thinking about going on a date with #10 was preventing me from hearing what my heart was saying which was, “You’ve got nothing lose, and everything to gain.” So I sent a text over to #10 and asked him when he wanted to go out the next week. And I didn’t get a response. I waited a few hours and still didn’t hear anything. I told myself that some times older people don’t text at the same fast paced rate that I do. That night I went out dancing with some friends and while we were out we ran into #10. Having had a few drinks I was completely uninhibited and asked him why he didn’t text me back. He looked embarrassed and didn’t really say anything, instead laughing and giving me a hug. “You are having second thoughts about going on a date with me because you think I don’t like you because you’re 40, right?” He smiled sheepishly and nodded his head. “You’re right” I replied. “I was having problems with your age but I still want to go out with you. I want to get over the weirdness I have with age and just get to know you. Nothing to lose. Will you go out with me to dinner this week?” He said yes and we decided to go out the next Thursday after my dance class.

Dinner was wonderful. We ate great Mexican food at Cha Taqueria in NW Portland, drank really inventive margaritas, and conversed for almost two hours. We talked about past relationships (he’s had a number of serious boyfriends over the years), dreams for businesses we want to start, mutual friends, Mexico (he has vacationed there twice this year already and I’m going on an annual trip in three weeks), our insecurities (we both get attached easily to guys and worry too much about what others think of us), our families, and where we see ourselves in ten years (he wants to own a bar and I want to be in New York producing theater). The conversation was easy going and entertaining, and I had a great time. But by the end of the night I realized I still wasn’t interested in him. However, it wasn’t because of his age. He just simply wasn’t the type of person that I’m attracted to in terms of a relationship. There’s nothing scientific or logical about it. Nor can I explain in words why I’m not attracted to him. But my heart wasn’t feeling it and that’s what I have to listen to.

I recently read the following on the blog of a man who traveled the country for thirty days going on thirty dates in thirty different cities: “I’m looking for the spark. The almost instantaneous subconscious assurance that the man/woman in question fits that special place in your heart. It’s nothing you can earn, adapt to, gain, or work towards. It’s either there or it isn’t…it is an amazing feeling: intoxicating, hopeful, insane, and magical.” The spark wasn’t there with #10 (although a long lasting friendship is definitely in the future for the two of us). I’ve only felt the spark with one person in my life so far, but I’m confident that it will happen again with someone. And that’s what I’m looking for in this whole experiment. It’s not only about meeting 100 guys or eating at 100 different restaurants or having 100 conversations. I’m looking to have the spark with someone.

I know this goes somewhat against what I originally put as my goal for this experiment. I said I wasn’t looking for love but that’s a falsity. We’re all looking for love. We’re all looking to find someone that makes our life more fulfilling and I’m looking for it too. And even though I’m going about it in a very roundabout manner, I’m enthusiastically optimistic that I’m going to find it.