Ah, the coffee date. It’s such an ambiguous little bugger. You know the routine. You and another person decide to meet at some hip and cool coffee shop to grab a hot drink and “chat”. You spend an hour or so chatting, feeling one another out, asking the usual questions and hoping they have interesting responses, and then you part ways to continue on with your day. It’s only after the coffee date that you even decide if it was a date at all. Were we just friends grabbing coffee? Or was there something behind his knee brushing mine under the table? Yes, the ambiguity of the coffee date makes me nervous indeed, but it doesn’t keep me from going on them.
About two and half weeks ago I came in contact with a guy I went to school with in 8th grade. I had initially introduced myself because I thought he looked cute. He asked me if I had gone to school in Vancouver and I responded that I had. He said, “This is going to be really weird, but we both went to the same middle school. But I only attended for one year in the 8th grade.” I told him I felt bad but that I didn’t remember him (quite unusual for me since I can remember most people from our small school of only 500 people in grades 6-12). He accepted my apology and said that he just remembered me and my friends being the “popular theater kids” and that he hadn’t really become friends with any of us. We caught up for a bit more on what we had done since 8th grade and exchanged numbers, agreeing to grab some coffee later on that week. Right away I was concerned. Were we getting coffee? Or were we interested in one another? I put the thought in the back of my mind and decided it wasn’t important to define what it would beforehand and just go to the coffee shop with an open mind and ready to learn more about one another.
The day of our coffee date rolled around and I sent him a message to make sure we were still on for that afternoon. And I never heard back. No response. No text. Nothing. I’ve never been stood up before (well, not without a bit of forewarning) and so I didn’t really know how to feel or react. Was this some sort of late revenge for not being his friend in 8th grade? Had I done something to offend him back when I was 13 or 14 years old? I searched through my yearbook from 8th grade and couldn’t find anything written from him. I guess we really hadn’t been friends, I thought. I can’t say I was honestly too upset about the missed coffee date though. I had plenty to get done that Sunday afternoon and was kind of relieved I’d have a few extra hours to work. I put the yearbook back in its storage bin and spent the rest of the afternoon working and writing.
A few days later I received a text from him apologizing for not getting a hold of me. He had lost my number and felt really bad because he didn’t know how else to get in touch with me. He couldn’t remember my last name to find me on Facebook, so there was really no other way to get in touch. He asked if we could reschedule for that week, which I of course agreed to.
I arrived at the cute little coffee shop on Main Street in Downtown Vancouver and found him sitting at a table eating a crepe and studying his history book. I grabbed a Chai Tea and sat down across from him. It was a normal coffee date (chatting, observing, asking, and responding) until he said, “I have to apologize for something that happened in 8th grade that you might not even remember. We had one class together and I believe it was geometry with Ms. Ingraham. Do you remember?” I didn’t remember him in the class, but there’s no way I could forget Ms. Ingraham with her extreme feminism and blatant discrimination against me for merely being a male. He continued on to confess, “One time during class you stood up and were talking about how you were running for election to the student body and while you were presenting yourself to the class I made a joke at your expense that everyone laughed at. And even though everyone was laughing, I immediately felt bad for having done so. And I wanted to apologize.” He said that since that moment he had tried to never make a joke again at someone else’s expense.
It was probably the cutest confession I think I’ve ever seen. He seemed so genuine and sincere as he apologized for something that had obviously affected him, even it hadn’t hurt me at all. No wonder he had remembered me after all those years. We spent a few more minutes talking before he had to leave for work, but we agreed to find a time to hang again soon. We hugged and parted ways.
And then the timeless coffee date questions came…what was it that had just happened? Had we gone on a date? Was it just a friendly conversation or was it something more? I couldn’t tell. But, I was ok with it. I had a good time and reconnected with a great guy. It wasn’t important whether or not we were on a date. What was important was that we had made a connection and listened to one another. We had communicated openly and honestly and that made the whole experience worthwhile.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
#4- The Importance of Passion
I have a love-hate relationship with my iPhone. I was living in Paraguay when the first generation came out and my father had sent me an email telling me all about it and it was love at first sight for me. I knew I had to have one. So a year later when I returned from Paraguay I went straight to the Apple store and bought one. We've been inseparable ever since. I literally can't think of any time I've really put my phone away for longer than two or three hours. It's constantly there, ready for me to browse wikipedia, check my email, read my news feed on Facebook, tweet on Twitter, or text a friend. It keeps me completely connected to others, which is my greatest blessing and my greatest curse.
As much as I love being so connected, I also hate that I've become so dependent on that connection. If I don't get a response from a text I sent to a guy I'm interested in within three minutes then I immediately begin to wonder if he's interested in me at all. "He must think I'm not cute or that I'm annoying or that my roommate is more interesting," I often think to myself. But actually, the guy might be swimming in a pool, or talking on the phone, or simply hates the impersonal nature of texting! Over the past few months I have gotten a lot better with recognizing that not everyone's use of their cellphone matches my obsession with communication, and that maybe the iPhone that I love so dearly might be preventing me from having some honest and fulfilling conversations with others.
So, one day last week, while the guy who would become date #4 and I were casually texting back and forth during the morning I decided to just ask him out to lunch. I was tired of texting and messaging and wanted to actually meet this guy to see if the interest I felt digitally would transfer to reality.
We went to the Kennedy School for lunch. We both ordered cheeseburgers (I got the blue cheese burger and was thoroughly satisfied) and spent a good amount of time talking and getting to know one another. Throughout the conversation, however, I noticed that I was doing a lot of the talking. Similar to date #1, it seemed like I was driving the conversation and he was simply listening to my stories and plans and ideas. So I switched gears suddenly and decided to get him talking. I asked him about his childhood, where he grew up, his family life, his dating history, his work life, his schooling; I asked him everything I could think of to get a sense of what he is passionate about. By the end of all my questions I had found out that he didn't know what he was passionate about. But more importantly, he knew that he didn't know what he was passionate about, which was redeeming in so many ways. He told me about his plans to move to the South and finish his degree, hoping to find something that would ignite him.
If you haven't noticed, I talk about passion a lot. It's one of the most important characteristics that I've found in not only the people I date, but the people I choose to spend any time with. If you're not passionate about something, or you're not standing for something, then you're not very interesting to me. Standing for something different that's important changes the entire way you live your life, and consequently brings likeminded people into it.
My date paid for lunch despite my protest that I should pay since I invited him out, which earned him a point for being cordial and kind, and we got in the car to head to his place. When we got there he asked me if I wanted to go on a walk around his neighborhood and continue our conversation. I agreed to go because he had been so kind about lunch and because I didn't know the neighborhood too well and wanted to explore it.
After walking for twenty minutes or so we found a cute little coffee/dessert shop and sat down to have some chai tea. The coffee shop was fairly busy but we were able to find a table and chairs near the game area, and we decided to play the card game "War". The whole situation was very picturesque. There was light jazz music playing in a buzzing coffee shop with people studying and conversing and working; and here we were, two young gay men, on a first date, playing a card game and sipping chai in the middle of it all. I can be a hopeless romantic, so I'll admit that the setting made my heart beat a little.
After I beat him at "War" (my first time winning ever) we decided to walk back toward his apartment. As we stepped outside we felt how much the temperature had dropped as the sun started to go down. I put my hands in the pocket of my jacket to shield them from the cold. Unexpectedly I felt his right hand reach into my pocket as well and link with my left. His bravado was charming so I left his hand there and we walked back hand-in-hand to his house, passing tons of people walking home from work or getting an afternoon jog in. It was something I had never done before (hold hands comfortably in public), but I felt calm and content about it, despite it being my first gay public display of affection.
You might be wondering why holding hands in public might be such a big deal for me. "Didn't he just write about kissing on the first date last time?" So I think it's time to reveal something that many people already know but that others might not have gleaned from my first few entries.
October 11, 2010 is when I officially came out. I use the word officially because I've dated guys for almost two years now, and my family and closest friends have known for about the same time, but it wasn't until last October that I really felt safe enough to announce it to the world. (Again, click here if you want to read that post). The reason I didn't come out until I was in my 20s was because I was Mormon (no, I didn't grow up in the Church; my family is fairly apathetic about religion actually) and I was attending Brigham Young University (sponsored by the LDS Church) on a great scholarship. Coming out before graduating would have put me in danger of losing my scholarship and possibly being kicked out of the university. So until the diploma arrived in the mail I decided to stay quiet about my sexuality for the most part.
Now, this entry isn't about my feelings about the LDS Church or about BYU. Although both of those organizations likely influenced what I want to address. But for the greater part of the last two years I really haven't felt comfortable being gay. While living in Utah I wasn't free to hold hands with another man or kiss my boyfriend in public or even bring a guy as a date to a company party. Hell, one day a man screamed "Fags!" at my roommate and me just for riding on my scooter together to rehearsal. (I admit, riding on a scooter together was somewhat asking to be noticed, but we wanted to ride it to rehearsal so we did.) In Utah I had to constantly ask myself how my actions would viewed by others. Moving to Portland has helped me to be more comfortable with expressing myself and not being afraid of being judged. I don't necessarily want to put on a rainbow cape and jeté through the Park Blocks downtown, but I'm happy to know that if I wanted to I could. And walking down the street, hand in hand with my date, was a good first step in feeling confident in my public actions as a gay man.
When we arrived back to my car we hugged goodbye and parted ways. I had had a really good time on the date. As I reflected on the date I realized that he was nothing like I expected him to be. He was a good, kind, and genuine individual, but he lacked the fire and passion that really defines the type of people I'm generally attracted to. But he also had the nerve to grab my hand which I was grateful for. The thought passed through my head that, even if he wasn't passionate about something else, maybe he could be passionate about me? It's a question that merits more thought and likely a post by itself so I'll let it rest for now. But what do you all think? Can a relationship where one party's main focus is their significant other be successful? Thoughts? Opinions? Stories?
As much as I love being so connected, I also hate that I've become so dependent on that connection. If I don't get a response from a text I sent to a guy I'm interested in within three minutes then I immediately begin to wonder if he's interested in me at all. "He must think I'm not cute or that I'm annoying or that my roommate is more interesting," I often think to myself. But actually, the guy might be swimming in a pool, or talking on the phone, or simply hates the impersonal nature of texting! Over the past few months I have gotten a lot better with recognizing that not everyone's use of their cellphone matches my obsession with communication, and that maybe the iPhone that I love so dearly might be preventing me from having some honest and fulfilling conversations with others.
So, one day last week, while the guy who would become date #4 and I were casually texting back and forth during the morning I decided to just ask him out to lunch. I was tired of texting and messaging and wanted to actually meet this guy to see if the interest I felt digitally would transfer to reality.
We went to the Kennedy School for lunch. We both ordered cheeseburgers (I got the blue cheese burger and was thoroughly satisfied) and spent a good amount of time talking and getting to know one another. Throughout the conversation, however, I noticed that I was doing a lot of the talking. Similar to date #1, it seemed like I was driving the conversation and he was simply listening to my stories and plans and ideas. So I switched gears suddenly and decided to get him talking. I asked him about his childhood, where he grew up, his family life, his dating history, his work life, his schooling; I asked him everything I could think of to get a sense of what he is passionate about. By the end of all my questions I had found out that he didn't know what he was passionate about. But more importantly, he knew that he didn't know what he was passionate about, which was redeeming in so many ways. He told me about his plans to move to the South and finish his degree, hoping to find something that would ignite him.
If you haven't noticed, I talk about passion a lot. It's one of the most important characteristics that I've found in not only the people I date, but the people I choose to spend any time with. If you're not passionate about something, or you're not standing for something, then you're not very interesting to me. Standing for something different that's important changes the entire way you live your life, and consequently brings likeminded people into it.
My date paid for lunch despite my protest that I should pay since I invited him out, which earned him a point for being cordial and kind, and we got in the car to head to his place. When we got there he asked me if I wanted to go on a walk around his neighborhood and continue our conversation. I agreed to go because he had been so kind about lunch and because I didn't know the neighborhood too well and wanted to explore it.
After walking for twenty minutes or so we found a cute little coffee/dessert shop and sat down to have some chai tea. The coffee shop was fairly busy but we were able to find a table and chairs near the game area, and we decided to play the card game "War". The whole situation was very picturesque. There was light jazz music playing in a buzzing coffee shop with people studying and conversing and working; and here we were, two young gay men, on a first date, playing a card game and sipping chai in the middle of it all. I can be a hopeless romantic, so I'll admit that the setting made my heart beat a little.
After I beat him at "War" (my first time winning ever) we decided to walk back toward his apartment. As we stepped outside we felt how much the temperature had dropped as the sun started to go down. I put my hands in the pocket of my jacket to shield them from the cold. Unexpectedly I felt his right hand reach into my pocket as well and link with my left. His bravado was charming so I left his hand there and we walked back hand-in-hand to his house, passing tons of people walking home from work or getting an afternoon jog in. It was something I had never done before (hold hands comfortably in public), but I felt calm and content about it, despite it being my first gay public display of affection.
You might be wondering why holding hands in public might be such a big deal for me. "Didn't he just write about kissing on the first date last time?" So I think it's time to reveal something that many people already know but that others might not have gleaned from my first few entries.
October 11, 2010 is when I officially came out. I use the word officially because I've dated guys for almost two years now, and my family and closest friends have known for about the same time, but it wasn't until last October that I really felt safe enough to announce it to the world. (Again, click here if you want to read that post). The reason I didn't come out until I was in my 20s was because I was Mormon (no, I didn't grow up in the Church; my family is fairly apathetic about religion actually) and I was attending Brigham Young University (sponsored by the LDS Church) on a great scholarship. Coming out before graduating would have put me in danger of losing my scholarship and possibly being kicked out of the university. So until the diploma arrived in the mail I decided to stay quiet about my sexuality for the most part.
Now, this entry isn't about my feelings about the LDS Church or about BYU. Although both of those organizations likely influenced what I want to address. But for the greater part of the last two years I really haven't felt comfortable being gay. While living in Utah I wasn't free to hold hands with another man or kiss my boyfriend in public or even bring a guy as a date to a company party. Hell, one day a man screamed "Fags!" at my roommate and me just for riding on my scooter together to rehearsal. (I admit, riding on a scooter together was somewhat asking to be noticed, but we wanted to ride it to rehearsal so we did.) In Utah I had to constantly ask myself how my actions would viewed by others. Moving to Portland has helped me to be more comfortable with expressing myself and not being afraid of being judged. I don't necessarily want to put on a rainbow cape and jeté through the Park Blocks downtown, but I'm happy to know that if I wanted to I could. And walking down the street, hand in hand with my date, was a good first step in feeling confident in my public actions as a gay man.
When we arrived back to my car we hugged goodbye and parted ways. I had had a really good time on the date. As I reflected on the date I realized that he was nothing like I expected him to be. He was a good, kind, and genuine individual, but he lacked the fire and passion that really defines the type of people I'm generally attracted to. But he also had the nerve to grab my hand which I was grateful for. The thought passed through my head that, even if he wasn't passionate about something else, maybe he could be passionate about me? It's a question that merits more thought and likely a post by itself so I'll let it rest for now. But what do you all think? Can a relationship where one party's main focus is their significant other be successful? Thoughts? Opinions? Stories?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
It's a small (gay) world after all
Sometimes I forget or fail to recognize how small a world we live in. Just last month I went to New York City for an audition and to catch up with some old friends, and as I was walking through Times Square I ran into a group of friends from Utah! Here I was in the middle of one of the biggest cities of the world, in the busiest part of the city on a Saturday night, and I still managed to bump into someone from across the country. Friends, the world is small.
With the proliferation of the Internet and its permeation into every moment of our lives, the world is now even smaller. Yesterday my blog got noted by the LGBT blog, www.towleroad.com, and because of that it was visited over 4000 times in 24 hours. 4000 times! When I set out to start this project last week I thought that maybe my mother and a few close friends would read what I had to write, but with seven words on a popular blog I was visited by people from all over the world. I more than welcome the new readers and hope that they can find what they’re looking for from my experiences with this experiment.
Something I failed to consider completely with my first three dates was the complete preservation of their identity. Within a few hours of my blog being visited by Towleroad readers, I found out that many people recognized who the first three dates were with. Although I think my writing has been complimentary and positive, I realize that dating is a private part of most people’s lives. Although I have decided to be very public about this aspect of my life for the next year, the first four people I went on dates with didn’t make that same choice, and had no knowledge of my choice since I decided to start the blog after having gone on dates with them. So, to those four men, I apologize. You didn’t fully know what you were getting into when we went on our date. But, to those who choose to go on a date with me from now on, you know what you’re getting into. That is, I’m going to write honestly and openly about our date, and do my best to keep your identity anonymous.
It’s a small world indeed. And events like yesterday are teaching me that the gay world is even smaller. I’m fairly new to the gay dating scene (click here for that story), so each day and each date is a learning experience. And I’m excited to see how it all continues to pan out.
Onward and upward!
With the proliferation of the Internet and its permeation into every moment of our lives, the world is now even smaller. Yesterday my blog got noted by the LGBT blog, www.towleroad.com, and because of that it was visited over 4000 times in 24 hours. 4000 times! When I set out to start this project last week I thought that maybe my mother and a few close friends would read what I had to write, but with seven words on a popular blog I was visited by people from all over the world. I more than welcome the new readers and hope that they can find what they’re looking for from my experiences with this experiment.
Something I failed to consider completely with my first three dates was the complete preservation of their identity. Within a few hours of my blog being visited by Towleroad readers, I found out that many people recognized who the first three dates were with. Although I think my writing has been complimentary and positive, I realize that dating is a private part of most people’s lives. Although I have decided to be very public about this aspect of my life for the next year, the first four people I went on dates with didn’t make that same choice, and had no knowledge of my choice since I decided to start the blog after having gone on dates with them. So, to those four men, I apologize. You didn’t fully know what you were getting into when we went on our date. But, to those who choose to go on a date with me from now on, you know what you’re getting into. That is, I’m going to write honestly and openly about our date, and do my best to keep your identity anonymous.
It’s a small world indeed. And events like yesterday are teaching me that the gay world is even smaller. I’m fairly new to the gay dating scene (click here for that story), so each day and each date is a learning experience. And I’m excited to see how it all continues to pan out.
Onward and upward!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
#3- Did you all really think it would take that long before my first kiss?
I know it’s only my third entry but I have to put something out there. It’s something I’m not necessarily proud of, nor is it something that I’m ashamed of. I try my best to control it and to recognize it and to move past it. But it’s important that it’s public knowledge because it will help me to get over it. Wow, it sounds like I’m about to come out or something, but that of course is unnecessary these days…
I can be shallow. I know, big surprise right? I try so hard not to be but it’s a part of how my brain works. Part of the purpose of this whole experience is to help me move past it (which is why I’m doing “colorblind” dates and trying not to know what the person looks like before I meet them) and really look at the true beauty of a person, which should be in their personality, passion, and capacity to love. But I still fall into my shallow ways at times.
With date #3 I was initially intrigued by him almost solely on his physique and looks. I thought he was extremely attractive and wanted to go on a date with him because of it. Luckily though I found out there was a lot more to him besides his nice abs, beautifully defined jaw, and his cute smile.
Both #3 and I have fairly complicated schedules so it was hard for a while to find a time that worked mutually for our date. Eventually we kind of stumbled upon a time that worked for us one day and agreed to meet for late night nosh and conversation. I picked him up from his condo and he suggested we go to Portland City Grill.
Now I don’t know how I’ve missed this place before this date. I had heard the name Portland City Grill for many years but somehow I never got around to making the elevator ride up thirty stories to enjoy breathtaking views of downtown Portland and the delicious happy hour menu. I was a bit worried at the placard near the entrance that said the dress code was “casual elegance” but quickly reflected that I had nothing to be concerned about since casual elegance genuinely defines my wardrobe and personality.
#3’s life story was really captivating and enthralling for me to learn about. He was raised in small town and entered the military right out of high school, serving five years, including time in Iraq. When he finished his time with the military he went to school and studied psychology, spending a lot of his time helping fellow veterans dealing with reintegration into civilian life. We talked a lot about the idea of isolation and the feelings that many veterans have as they try to go back to a “normal” life. I was fascinated the entire time since the subject is one to which I have no knowledge or insight, and I felt like I was able to glimpse a bit into this subculture of veterans my age that I really have never connected with before.
The other part of our conversation that really interested me was the recent business that #3 opened up with a few other friends. As most people know, I’m an entrepreneurial nerd so when anyone tells me they’ve started their own business all I want to do is ask questions about systems, start up funds, ideation, and day-to-day operations. There’s something really, really sexy to me about a person who can run their own business successfully and provide quality products to their customers, as well as provide a great opportunity for their employees to work in. #3 and I engaged in a wonderful conversation about his business, as well as discussed and brainstormed around an idea that I recently came up with for a startup internet business. Not only was this guy attractive and smart, but he also asked some of the best questions I’ve had to get me thinking about my own business.
The conversation was so insightful for me…yet somehow I felt like #3 really wasn’t that interested in me. Yes, he was very polite and nice, and definitely engaged in the conversation. But I didn’t really feel any type of chemistry or sense that he really would want to go on a second date. The wonderful part of my 100 date experiment is that I don’t really take that personally anymore. Some people will be interested in a second date and some won’t. Sometimes I won’t want a second date and they will. And sometimes we both will want a second date and we’ll make that happen. But, as #3 and I left Portland City Grill I wasn’t anticipating a second date in our future.
When we got to his house he invited me in to watch some TV (we had previously discussed our mutual affinity for late night indulgent television shows like Bridezillas, When Vacations Attack, Modern Marvels, and Intervention) and we went to his bedroom (because he doesn’t have a TV in his living room) to enjoy some of the best television on the tube these days. Since I had decided that I thought #3 really wasn’t that interested in me I didn’t attempt any of the normal behaviors that usually would accompany late night television watching (i.e. hand holding, snuggling, etc.) and instead left a good amount of space between us on the bed. We watched TV for about an hour and then decided that since we both needed to be up at fairly early hours (at least for the two of us- 9am) that I should go home.
I got off the bed and put my shoes and jacket back on, optimistic that I might have gained a friend out of the date or at least someone I could bounce business ideas off of, and headed towards the bedroom door. As I reached to open the door he said I should give him a hug goodbye. I turned around and reached out to hug and him and as we took each other into our arms I realized we weren’t only hugging, we were embracing. I pulled away slightly and looked at him, likely showing my confusion on my face and then he leaned in and gave me a kiss. I kissed him back and then pulled back again and looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what his intentions were. We were standing there, having been in each other’s presence for nearly three hours, and not once had I felt like he was actually interested in me. Yet, he was kissing me. He spoke softly and said, “I was wondering if you were a good kisser or not.” What? You were wondering? Like you were thinking about this throughout the night or you just thought of it when you hugged me? Well, eager to prove that I am indeed a good kisser I leaned back in and began to show him just how good I was. He kissed back just as passionately and showed me how a true man kisses. It was raw and passionate, yet gentle at the same time. After successfully (at least in my opinion) proving that we were both proficient in using our lips correctly he walked me to the front door and gave me a hug goodbye. As I left he said, “Make sure to text me soon or something.” I assured him I would and walked back to my car, still confused by the events of the evening, mostly because I questioned the authenticity of the kiss. Was it passionate? Yes. Was it fun? Absolutely. But was there true and genuine emotion behind it? I’m not so sure. Unless I’m just completely incapable of reading body language and subtext correctly, which is a definite possibility.
I don’t know what will come of #3 in the future. Would I be willing to go on another date with him? Sure. I had a good time and thoroughly enjoyed our conversation. And hell yes, I enjoyed kissing the man that I had initially wanted to go on a date with simply because of his looks. But perhaps my punishment for being shallow initially will be that #3 isn’t really interested in me. We shall see.
I can be shallow. I know, big surprise right? I try so hard not to be but it’s a part of how my brain works. Part of the purpose of this whole experience is to help me move past it (which is why I’m doing “colorblind” dates and trying not to know what the person looks like before I meet them) and really look at the true beauty of a person, which should be in their personality, passion, and capacity to love. But I still fall into my shallow ways at times.
With date #3 I was initially intrigued by him almost solely on his physique and looks. I thought he was extremely attractive and wanted to go on a date with him because of it. Luckily though I found out there was a lot more to him besides his nice abs, beautifully defined jaw, and his cute smile.
Both #3 and I have fairly complicated schedules so it was hard for a while to find a time that worked mutually for our date. Eventually we kind of stumbled upon a time that worked for us one day and agreed to meet for late night nosh and conversation. I picked him up from his condo and he suggested we go to Portland City Grill.
Now I don’t know how I’ve missed this place before this date. I had heard the name Portland City Grill for many years but somehow I never got around to making the elevator ride up thirty stories to enjoy breathtaking views of downtown Portland and the delicious happy hour menu. I was a bit worried at the placard near the entrance that said the dress code was “casual elegance” but quickly reflected that I had nothing to be concerned about since casual elegance genuinely defines my wardrobe and personality.
#3’s life story was really captivating and enthralling for me to learn about. He was raised in small town and entered the military right out of high school, serving five years, including time in Iraq. When he finished his time with the military he went to school and studied psychology, spending a lot of his time helping fellow veterans dealing with reintegration into civilian life. We talked a lot about the idea of isolation and the feelings that many veterans have as they try to go back to a “normal” life. I was fascinated the entire time since the subject is one to which I have no knowledge or insight, and I felt like I was able to glimpse a bit into this subculture of veterans my age that I really have never connected with before.
The other part of our conversation that really interested me was the recent business that #3 opened up with a few other friends. As most people know, I’m an entrepreneurial nerd so when anyone tells me they’ve started their own business all I want to do is ask questions about systems, start up funds, ideation, and day-to-day operations. There’s something really, really sexy to me about a person who can run their own business successfully and provide quality products to their customers, as well as provide a great opportunity for their employees to work in. #3 and I engaged in a wonderful conversation about his business, as well as discussed and brainstormed around an idea that I recently came up with for a startup internet business. Not only was this guy attractive and smart, but he also asked some of the best questions I’ve had to get me thinking about my own business.
The conversation was so insightful for me…yet somehow I felt like #3 really wasn’t that interested in me. Yes, he was very polite and nice, and definitely engaged in the conversation. But I didn’t really feel any type of chemistry or sense that he really would want to go on a second date. The wonderful part of my 100 date experiment is that I don’t really take that personally anymore. Some people will be interested in a second date and some won’t. Sometimes I won’t want a second date and they will. And sometimes we both will want a second date and we’ll make that happen. But, as #3 and I left Portland City Grill I wasn’t anticipating a second date in our future.
When we got to his house he invited me in to watch some TV (we had previously discussed our mutual affinity for late night indulgent television shows like Bridezillas, When Vacations Attack, Modern Marvels, and Intervention) and we went to his bedroom (because he doesn’t have a TV in his living room) to enjoy some of the best television on the tube these days. Since I had decided that I thought #3 really wasn’t that interested in me I didn’t attempt any of the normal behaviors that usually would accompany late night television watching (i.e. hand holding, snuggling, etc.) and instead left a good amount of space between us on the bed. We watched TV for about an hour and then decided that since we both needed to be up at fairly early hours (at least for the two of us- 9am) that I should go home.
I got off the bed and put my shoes and jacket back on, optimistic that I might have gained a friend out of the date or at least someone I could bounce business ideas off of, and headed towards the bedroom door. As I reached to open the door he said I should give him a hug goodbye. I turned around and reached out to hug and him and as we took each other into our arms I realized we weren’t only hugging, we were embracing. I pulled away slightly and looked at him, likely showing my confusion on my face and then he leaned in and gave me a kiss. I kissed him back and then pulled back again and looked into his eyes, trying to figure out what his intentions were. We were standing there, having been in each other’s presence for nearly three hours, and not once had I felt like he was actually interested in me. Yet, he was kissing me. He spoke softly and said, “I was wondering if you were a good kisser or not.” What? You were wondering? Like you were thinking about this throughout the night or you just thought of it when you hugged me? Well, eager to prove that I am indeed a good kisser I leaned back in and began to show him just how good I was. He kissed back just as passionately and showed me how a true man kisses. It was raw and passionate, yet gentle at the same time. After successfully (at least in my opinion) proving that we were both proficient in using our lips correctly he walked me to the front door and gave me a hug goodbye. As I left he said, “Make sure to text me soon or something.” I assured him I would and walked back to my car, still confused by the events of the evening, mostly because I questioned the authenticity of the kiss. Was it passionate? Yes. Was it fun? Absolutely. But was there true and genuine emotion behind it? I’m not so sure. Unless I’m just completely incapable of reading body language and subtext correctly, which is a definite possibility.
I don’t know what will come of #3 in the future. Would I be willing to go on another date with him? Sure. I had a good time and thoroughly enjoyed our conversation. And hell yes, I enjoyed kissing the man that I had initially wanted to go on a date with simply because of his looks. But perhaps my punishment for being shallow initially will be that #3 isn’t really interested in me. We shall see.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
#2- Oh My Polly Pie
Date #2 happened a few days after #1 and was an eye opening experience to say the least. Like #1, #2 and I met on my favorite iPhone app. However, instead of a lot of texting back and forth, #2 and I kept our communication to a minimum and decided to meet instead for Happy Hour on a Friday evening. I knew I was in for at least a great conversation with #2 because one of the first questions he asked me through text was, “What are you passionate about?” prompting a wonderful conversation about our passions (he said he was passionate about “developing leaders”). He told me he had recently started his own business and was the co-owner of a consulting firm in Portland. I was immediately impressed by his career, especially since he is only 25. I went to the date feeling a mixture of anticipation, excitement, and slight nervousness.
As I walked into the Rainbow Room (as a side note, I never noticed the blatantly gay rainbow reference before this evening) I found #2 waiting patiently for me on one of the couches. I went to the bar and ordered my new favorite drink, sprite with muddled lime, and headed back to my date.
And then I saw it. So simple, yet symbolically complex. Full of history, love, and commitment. Yes, sitting on the ring finger of #2’s left hand was an unadorned silver band. I was immediately taken aback and said, “Wait, are you married?” to which he replied, “Yes I’m in a committed relationship but we’re polyamorous.”
Polyamor-what? Yes, polyamory. It’s a word still underlined with the red squiggly lines when written in Microsoft Word, but it’s a concept that is becoming more and more common it seems. It comes from Greek and Latin roots (poly meaning “many” and amore meaning “love”, “Many Loves”) and a polyamorous relationship at its core is a romantic, committed relationship involving more than two people.
Being fairly ignorant at the idea of polyamory (the only thing I had heard of was the concept of “threeway” relationships with three people being in a committed relationship with one another) so I asked #2 to explain what a polyamorous relationship was, how it differed from an open relationship, and what had led him and his partner to decide to have a polyamorous relationship. He explained to me that for him the expectation that he only feel love for one person for the rest of his life is unreasonable. As a person who has a ton of love to express he wants to feel free to do so with the people that he’s attracted to. However, he noted, polyamorous relationships are not about sex. They’re about developing romantic relationships with people under a set of guidelines and rules that all involved agree to. They’re built on trust, open communication, and honesty. The big difference between an “open” relationship and a polyamorous relationship is that in a polyamorous relationship everyone involves knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. Open relationships and cheating are typically done in secret. In a polyamorous relationship it’s all about being out in the open. When I asked #2 how he and his partner deal with jealousy he simply said, “We talk about it. We figure out what’s causing the jealousy. And we acknowledge what the other person is feeling and make any requests we need to feel safe.”
As I sat and listened to him explain his polyamorous relationship and tried to soak it all in, I couldn’t help but be somewhat inspired by the pragmatic and practical approach to their relationship. I felt like saying, “You mean, you guys actually communicate? You’re completely honest? You tell each other what you’re actually feeling?” After a year of dating people who don’t know how to properly communicate and who like to play games or not reveal their true intentions I was actually refreshed by seeing that there are guys in the world who are mature and honest. #2’s honesty and openness made me feel safe to be completely myself and to say things that came from the heart. By starting off our conversation (which didn’t focus the whole time on polyamory) with an open and frank discussion about being honest and committed, I was able to trust that what was occurring between he and I was genuine and real.
Now, I’m not saying I’m the newest member of #2’s polyamorous relationship, but I can’t say I wouldn’t be opposed to it completely. I don’t know if it’s necessary for me to be in a polyamorous relationship to live the guiding principles of one. Why not be 100% honest with my partner? Why would I ever not be completely genuine and authentic as a person? Why not try to communicate more often and more openly with others? Why not lay out ground rules and guidelines at the beginning of a relationship so that both people know what is expected? Why not address jealousy the moment it happens? Why not love more fully and completely?
As I walked out of the bar that night I knew I wanted to spend more time with #2 just so I could be surrounded by a person who not only says that he is genuine and honest, but actually lives his life as genuinely and honestly as he can. I don’t know if he and I will be anything more than friends or if I’ll one day be a “Polly” myself (I can’t think of a person who would embrace my 100 first dates experiment more than #2), but I think he has a lot more to teach me about honesty, commitment, and love.
As I walked into the Rainbow Room (as a side note, I never noticed the blatantly gay rainbow reference before this evening) I found #2 waiting patiently for me on one of the couches. I went to the bar and ordered my new favorite drink, sprite with muddled lime, and headed back to my date.
And then I saw it. So simple, yet symbolically complex. Full of history, love, and commitment. Yes, sitting on the ring finger of #2’s left hand was an unadorned silver band. I was immediately taken aback and said, “Wait, are you married?” to which he replied, “Yes I’m in a committed relationship but we’re polyamorous.”
Polyamor-what? Yes, polyamory. It’s a word still underlined with the red squiggly lines when written in Microsoft Word, but it’s a concept that is becoming more and more common it seems. It comes from Greek and Latin roots (poly meaning “many” and amore meaning “love”, “Many Loves”) and a polyamorous relationship at its core is a romantic, committed relationship involving more than two people.
Being fairly ignorant at the idea of polyamory (the only thing I had heard of was the concept of “threeway” relationships with three people being in a committed relationship with one another) so I asked #2 to explain what a polyamorous relationship was, how it differed from an open relationship, and what had led him and his partner to decide to have a polyamorous relationship. He explained to me that for him the expectation that he only feel love for one person for the rest of his life is unreasonable. As a person who has a ton of love to express he wants to feel free to do so with the people that he’s attracted to. However, he noted, polyamorous relationships are not about sex. They’re about developing romantic relationships with people under a set of guidelines and rules that all involved agree to. They’re built on trust, open communication, and honesty. The big difference between an “open” relationship and a polyamorous relationship is that in a polyamorous relationship everyone involves knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. Open relationships and cheating are typically done in secret. In a polyamorous relationship it’s all about being out in the open. When I asked #2 how he and his partner deal with jealousy he simply said, “We talk about it. We figure out what’s causing the jealousy. And we acknowledge what the other person is feeling and make any requests we need to feel safe.”
As I sat and listened to him explain his polyamorous relationship and tried to soak it all in, I couldn’t help but be somewhat inspired by the pragmatic and practical approach to their relationship. I felt like saying, “You mean, you guys actually communicate? You’re completely honest? You tell each other what you’re actually feeling?” After a year of dating people who don’t know how to properly communicate and who like to play games or not reveal their true intentions I was actually refreshed by seeing that there are guys in the world who are mature and honest. #2’s honesty and openness made me feel safe to be completely myself and to say things that came from the heart. By starting off our conversation (which didn’t focus the whole time on polyamory) with an open and frank discussion about being honest and committed, I was able to trust that what was occurring between he and I was genuine and real.
Now, I’m not saying I’m the newest member of #2’s polyamorous relationship, but I can’t say I wouldn’t be opposed to it completely. I don’t know if it’s necessary for me to be in a polyamorous relationship to live the guiding principles of one. Why not be 100% honest with my partner? Why would I ever not be completely genuine and authentic as a person? Why not try to communicate more often and more openly with others? Why not lay out ground rules and guidelines at the beginning of a relationship so that both people know what is expected? Why not address jealousy the moment it happens? Why not love more fully and completely?
As I walked out of the bar that night I knew I wanted to spend more time with #2 just so I could be surrounded by a person who not only says that he is genuine and honest, but actually lives his life as genuinely and honestly as he can. I don’t know if he and I will be anything more than friends or if I’ll one day be a “Polly” myself (I can’t think of a person who would embrace my 100 first dates experiment more than #2), but I think he has a lot more to teach me about honesty, commitment, and love.
Friday, January 21, 2011
#1- And so it begins...
My foray into this 100 date adventure began on a bleak afternoon in the Pearl District about two weeks ago. #1 and I had met through an application on my phone and had spent a few days before the date texting and getting to know one another. He seemed enthusiastic to meet me and I was enthusiastic about trying a new tea place out in the Pearl.
#1 (who I might add has the eternal honor of being #1) was waiting for me to arrive and was sipping on a bubble tea as I entered the tea shop. I don’t know if sipping is really the correct terminology when it comes to bubble tea since that straw is so damn big. I guess he was gulping down his tea from the feeding straw. Anyways, the first thing I noticed about #1 besides the enormous bubble filled straw, was his smile.
I have a thing for smiles. I like to smile a lot. And a good smile at just the right moment can cause me to melt. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how much they smile and how natural they look when doing so. I’ve found that if their smile is good, their heart is often good as well.
I ordered an immune boosting tea (which was delivered in the most delightful little tea set), sat down with #1, and began to talk with him. Our conversation lasted for about an hour and ranged from growing up with divorced parents (we both have divorced parents) to the basic tenets of veganism (he’s a vegan and I’ve always said I wanted to try). It was an engaging conversation for the most part, although I often found myself talking a bit more than he did and having to drive the dialogue in new directions.
#1 and I are actually at fairly similar points in our lives. We’re both in our mid-twenties, recently graduated from college, and trying to figure out the next steps of our lives. The big difference between us however is that he seems to be floating currently, while I’m attempting to pump my life into overdrive to reach some of the goals I’ve set. It’s not that he’s not a productive person; he has a college degree, works a consistent job, and seems to have a decent social life. However, he doesn’t really know where he wants to go in life and I think that’s what made our conversation hit walls at times.
Overall I had a good time. The tea was excellent, his smile was wonderful, but the conversation, kind of like the weather outside, was simply plain.
#1 (who I might add has the eternal honor of being #1) was waiting for me to arrive and was sipping on a bubble tea as I entered the tea shop. I don’t know if sipping is really the correct terminology when it comes to bubble tea since that straw is so damn big. I guess he was gulping down his tea from the feeding straw. Anyways, the first thing I noticed about #1 besides the enormous bubble filled straw, was his smile.
I have a thing for smiles. I like to smile a lot. And a good smile at just the right moment can cause me to melt. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how much they smile and how natural they look when doing so. I’ve found that if their smile is good, their heart is often good as well.
I ordered an immune boosting tea (which was delivered in the most delightful little tea set), sat down with #1, and began to talk with him. Our conversation lasted for about an hour and ranged from growing up with divorced parents (we both have divorced parents) to the basic tenets of veganism (he’s a vegan and I’ve always said I wanted to try). It was an engaging conversation for the most part, although I often found myself talking a bit more than he did and having to drive the dialogue in new directions.
#1 and I are actually at fairly similar points in our lives. We’re both in our mid-twenties, recently graduated from college, and trying to figure out the next steps of our lives. The big difference between us however is that he seems to be floating currently, while I’m attempting to pump my life into overdrive to reach some of the goals I’ve set. It’s not that he’s not a productive person; he has a college degree, works a consistent job, and seems to have a decent social life. However, he doesn’t really know where he wants to go in life and I think that’s what made our conversation hit walls at times.
Overall I had a good time. The tea was excellent, his smile was wonderful, but the conversation, kind of like the weather outside, was simply plain.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Well, that sounds ambitious...
Yes, 100 dates in a year is quite an ambitious goal. Some have told me it sounds like hell on earth for them; others have said it won’t happen; my sister called me a whore. But for me, going on 100 dates in a year simply gives me the chance to meet 100 individuals and learn about their lives.
I’m not looking for love…I think I should make that clear up front. Part of the reason I want to go on 100 first dates (approximately 2 dates a week) is to prevent myself from jumping into a relationship too quickly, and to really take a good amount of time to find out the qualities that I look for in a potential partner. I’m not opposed to second or third or fourth dates, but the point of the whole experiment is to be able to articulate for myself the types of people I’m attracted to. If I find love in the process, then so be it. But I’m young, free from commitment, and working towards my immediate goals at the moment, and falling in love isn’t one of those goals at the moment.
Going into this I am attempting to have as open as a mind as possible and am willing to go on a first date with pretty much anyone. There are of course, some minimum requirements:
- You have to be at least 21 and no older than 35
- You have to have at least a bachelor’s degree OR be working towards your bachelor’s degree OR a compelling and interesting explanation of your alternative (I totally understand that school isn’t for everyone).
- Be passionate about SOMETHING and able to hold a compelling conversation.
That’s it! I really don’t think those requirements are too hard to fulfill, so if you know of someone that fits them or if you’re interested in going on a first date then check out the link to the right where you can tell me a bit about yourself. I’ll contact you and we can set a date.
Lastly, a date can be anything in my opinion. Going to a movie, grabbing a bite to eat, seeing a play or musical, visiting a gallery or museum, rock climbing, hiking…literally anything. There’s a place to put your idea for the date on the contact form.
About myself...I'm a 23 year old recent graduate. I have a degree in Business Management Marketing and currently work as a personal assistant. I'm passionate about managing creativity and have a history deeply rooted in the arts community. I've recently applied to graduate school in New York City for performing arts management and plan to open a theater by the time I'm 30. I have an entrepreneurial spirit and am in the process of starting my first business. I love spending time with friends, making new friends, performing, reading, baking, working out, writing, spending time outdoors, and traveling. I am extremely close with my family and spend a lot of time with them. I've got dreams and I'm making them come true.
Let the dating begin!
I’m not looking for love…I think I should make that clear up front. Part of the reason I want to go on 100 first dates (approximately 2 dates a week) is to prevent myself from jumping into a relationship too quickly, and to really take a good amount of time to find out the qualities that I look for in a potential partner. I’m not opposed to second or third or fourth dates, but the point of the whole experiment is to be able to articulate for myself the types of people I’m attracted to. If I find love in the process, then so be it. But I’m young, free from commitment, and working towards my immediate goals at the moment, and falling in love isn’t one of those goals at the moment.
Going into this I am attempting to have as open as a mind as possible and am willing to go on a first date with pretty much anyone. There are of course, some minimum requirements:
- You have to be at least 21 and no older than 35
- You have to have at least a bachelor’s degree OR be working towards your bachelor’s degree OR a compelling and interesting explanation of your alternative (I totally understand that school isn’t for everyone).
- Be passionate about SOMETHING and able to hold a compelling conversation.
That’s it! I really don’t think those requirements are too hard to fulfill, so if you know of someone that fits them or if you’re interested in going on a first date then check out the link to the right where you can tell me a bit about yourself. I’ll contact you and we can set a date.
Lastly, a date can be anything in my opinion. Going to a movie, grabbing a bite to eat, seeing a play or musical, visiting a gallery or museum, rock climbing, hiking…literally anything. There’s a place to put your idea for the date on the contact form.
About myself...I'm a 23 year old recent graduate. I have a degree in Business Management Marketing and currently work as a personal assistant. I'm passionate about managing creativity and have a history deeply rooted in the arts community. I've recently applied to graduate school in New York City for performing arts management and plan to open a theater by the time I'm 30. I have an entrepreneurial spirit and am in the process of starting my first business. I love spending time with friends, making new friends, performing, reading, baking, working out, writing, spending time outdoors, and traveling. I am extremely close with my family and spend a lot of time with them. I've got dreams and I'm making them come true.
Let the dating begin!
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