If you would have told me in high school that I would have the chance to go on a date with the boyfriend of one of my best girl friends I would have thrown my head back and laughed out loud at the prospect. Firstly because I was “straight” and he was “straight”. Secondly because he was handsome and lean, a model for the Puma brand, and I was a slightly overweight, unconfident young man trying to just get girls to look at me. And lastly, he never really seemed to show any interest in me (romantically or otherwise) in any way when we were acquaintances in high school. My, how things can change! I indeed did get the chance to go on that date with that guy. We both aren’t straight anymore and while he’s still quite attractive, I’ve grown into my own and become beautiful in my own way. #8 and I reconnected through his ex-girlfriend (or whatever they want to call it since she insists they never officially dated), who is still very close to both of us, and the three of us began hanging out a few weeks ago. The topic of my experiment got brought up on the first occasion that we all hung out. He seemed interested and intrigued by the concept, but I didn’t really think he’d want to go on a date with me. It wasn’t until after we hung out that our friend (his “ex”) said, “He says you’re not his type at all, but he definitely thinks you’re cute.” The next day I decided I had nothing to lose and asked him if I could take him out on a date. He enthusiastically (at least it felt enthusiastic) said yes and we set up a time.
The evening of the date arrived and I started feeling genuinely nervous about going out with him. I started asking myself why I felt that way and why I couldn’t relax. I had been on dates with seven different people before him, so why was I nervous? What could possibly go wrong? Even though #8 and I had spent time together in groups, we had never been out alone together and the prospect of going to dinner and spending two to three hours together brought to mind a few concerns. What if we didn’t have anything to talk about for that long? What if he was bad at conversations? What if he didn’t have any interest in me and was going on the date for mere curiosity’s sake? I felt so young and childish as the questions overwhelmed me and decided to put them all aside. “I’m a successful, interesting, attractive, confident, and motivated individual,” I reassured myself, “and this is going to be a wonderful time no matter the outcome.” My concerns were quickly resolved as the date began and we walked towards our dinner destination. Not only were we able to hold a great conversation, but there seemed to be no end to the topics available to discuss between us.
There are a few subjects that I’ve found are generally better to avoid on a first date. These typically include exes, religious beliefs, political affiliations, and anything involving bodily functions. Choosing to broach one of these topics often leads to awkward silences and some times even being offended, and so, as a general rule, I try to steer clear of these and talk about ambitions, drives, dreams, and goals. However, with #8 we hit each of these “off limits” topics head on.
We began with relationships. #8 recently got out of a long-term relationship. Like, a long, long-term relationship. Like, a four year long relationship that just ended in December. I knew all of this going into the date but didn’t want to force him to talk about it, although I thought it’d be an interesting story to say the least. He brought up the subject on his own and asked if I wanted to know. Since I had heard bits and pieces of the story from other people I told him that I thought it’d be good to hear it from his point of view. The details of the relationship are unimportant, but something became clear: #8 is still working through the process of breaking up and healing from the pain that goes along with that. He seemed tired and hurt as he talked about the deterioration of the relationship that he had put so much effort into, but also hopeful as he considered aloud the future of his love life.
After finishing up the topic of former boyfriends we decided to hit up religion. He was rightly curious about why I had joined the Mormon Church in high school and what my journey had been through the Church leading up to the present. I told him my “coming out” story and recounted my philosophy about God’s love being unconditional. #8 was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and had similar experiences to mine about coming out and reconsidering his spiritual background. Like me he had attended a private religious university and explored the “gay underworld” that so often accompanies those wonderful institutes of learning. We found that even though we had been members of churches that are doctrinally distinct and different, we had both experienced the social stigma within those organizations of being gay men.
At one point in the conversation #8 brought up the blog and asked me a question I had been asking myself for a few days. He said, “What happens if you start liking a guy? What will you do then?” It was a valid question and required an honest answer. I told him that although the purpose of the experiment is not to find a relationship (and in some ways it’s to keep me from jumping into a relationship), I can’t say that if someone comes along that I’m generally interested in that I won’t go on a 2nd or 3rd or 10th date, while still trying to fulfill my goal of meeting new people. If there comes a point when I feel like the experiment needs to end though because I want to get involved with a guy then I’ll end it. Then I said, “For example [Insert his name], I have a crush on you. And as much as I don’t want to, I do. I’ve probably had it since we were 17 years old. If something were to develop between us, and it felt right, then why would I give that up just for the sake of going on 100 dates, as much as I want to accomplish my goal?” I was shocked that I had been so forward but didn’t have any regrets about what I said. I had been honest with how I felt and put it out in the universe. #8 would choose how he wanted to feel or react to it.
By then we had been at dinner for nearly two hours (served by one of the most unique and interesting waitresses either of us had ever met. If you’re ever on NW 21st go to Bastas and ask for Shelby. She’s a real trip.) and it was time to pay for the bill. When the check came we both pulled out our wallets and grabbed our cards. He placed his in the holder first and as I handed him my card he said, “Both people pay on a date?” I replied that I had asked him out on the date so I should be the one to pay. He handed me back my card and said, “How about you pay for our second date?”
I probably blushed as I realized that I wasn’t the only one feeling like we had had a great conversation. In fact, we were able to really talk about anything with one another in a really open and free manner that is often hard to find in another individual. After the date was finished I got a text from him that read: “Hey! Had fun tonight :) I loved talking with you! So refreshing!” I took it as a good sign that the date had gone well for him too. I’m trying not to analyze or think too much about anything that happened. What I know is that I had a great time talking and conversing, and I learned (or relearned) that if I’m not able to have deep, meaningful conversations with someone, then there’s probably not going to be much of a relationship of any kind formed. So, I don’t care what the future holds in terms of a second or third or fourth date with #8, but I hope that we can just continue to talk and grow closer through communication and just be ourselves. And that feels right.
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