Date #2 happened a few days after #1 and was an eye opening experience to say the least. Like #1, #2 and I met on my favorite iPhone app. However, instead of a lot of texting back and forth, #2 and I kept our communication to a minimum and decided to meet instead for Happy Hour on a Friday evening. I knew I was in for at least a great conversation with #2 because one of the first questions he asked me through text was, “What are you passionate about?” prompting a wonderful conversation about our passions (he said he was passionate about “developing leaders”). He told me he had recently started his own business and was the co-owner of a consulting firm in Portland. I was immediately impressed by his career, especially since he is only 25. I went to the date feeling a mixture of anticipation, excitement, and slight nervousness.
As I walked into the Rainbow Room (as a side note, I never noticed the blatantly gay rainbow reference before this evening) I found #2 waiting patiently for me on one of the couches. I went to the bar and ordered my new favorite drink, sprite with muddled lime, and headed back to my date.
And then I saw it. So simple, yet symbolically complex. Full of history, love, and commitment. Yes, sitting on the ring finger of #2’s left hand was an unadorned silver band. I was immediately taken aback and said, “Wait, are you married?” to which he replied, “Yes I’m in a committed relationship but we’re polyamorous.”
Polyamor-what? Yes, polyamory. It’s a word still underlined with the red squiggly lines when written in Microsoft Word, but it’s a concept that is becoming more and more common it seems. It comes from Greek and Latin roots (poly meaning “many” and amore meaning “love”, “Many Loves”) and a polyamorous relationship at its core is a romantic, committed relationship involving more than two people.
Being fairly ignorant at the idea of polyamory (the only thing I had heard of was the concept of “threeway” relationships with three people being in a committed relationship with one another) so I asked #2 to explain what a polyamorous relationship was, how it differed from an open relationship, and what had led him and his partner to decide to have a polyamorous relationship. He explained to me that for him the expectation that he only feel love for one person for the rest of his life is unreasonable. As a person who has a ton of love to express he wants to feel free to do so with the people that he’s attracted to. However, he noted, polyamorous relationships are not about sex. They’re about developing romantic relationships with people under a set of guidelines and rules that all involved agree to. They’re built on trust, open communication, and honesty. The big difference between an “open” relationship and a polyamorous relationship is that in a polyamorous relationship everyone involves knows about, and agrees to, everyone else’s involvement. Open relationships and cheating are typically done in secret. In a polyamorous relationship it’s all about being out in the open. When I asked #2 how he and his partner deal with jealousy he simply said, “We talk about it. We figure out what’s causing the jealousy. And we acknowledge what the other person is feeling and make any requests we need to feel safe.”
As I sat and listened to him explain his polyamorous relationship and tried to soak it all in, I couldn’t help but be somewhat inspired by the pragmatic and practical approach to their relationship. I felt like saying, “You mean, you guys actually communicate? You’re completely honest? You tell each other what you’re actually feeling?” After a year of dating people who don’t know how to properly communicate and who like to play games or not reveal their true intentions I was actually refreshed by seeing that there are guys in the world who are mature and honest. #2’s honesty and openness made me feel safe to be completely myself and to say things that came from the heart. By starting off our conversation (which didn’t focus the whole time on polyamory) with an open and frank discussion about being honest and committed, I was able to trust that what was occurring between he and I was genuine and real.
Now, I’m not saying I’m the newest member of #2’s polyamorous relationship, but I can’t say I wouldn’t be opposed to it completely. I don’t know if it’s necessary for me to be in a polyamorous relationship to live the guiding principles of one. Why not be 100% honest with my partner? Why would I ever not be completely genuine and authentic as a person? Why not try to communicate more often and more openly with others? Why not lay out ground rules and guidelines at the beginning of a relationship so that both people know what is expected? Why not address jealousy the moment it happens? Why not love more fully and completely?
As I walked out of the bar that night I knew I wanted to spend more time with #2 just so I could be surrounded by a person who not only says that he is genuine and honest, but actually lives his life as genuinely and honestly as he can. I don’t know if he and I will be anything more than friends or if I’ll one day be a “Polly” myself (I can’t think of a person who would embrace my 100 first dates experiment more than #2), but I think he has a lot more to teach me about honesty, commitment, and love.
If you are secure in your emotional relationship with someone, the physical interaction with others isn't a big deal. In fact many people like the idea of watching their loved one get off and have fun. That's the reasoning behind 3ways. An open relationship typically only means that you don't care if they have sex with someone else from time to time. A polyamorous relationship, however, means that ALL of the partners love each other.
ReplyDeleteI find younger guys (under say mid 30s) get very serious about the whole 'relationship' thing and can't see how that can work.