#6- The Date with an (Almost) Catholic Priest

I had known that this day would come since the moment I decided to move back to the Northwest. One afternoon I got a call from a number I didn’t have saved in my phone and, thinking it might be an old friend trying to reconnect, I decided to answer and see who was calling. “Hello?” I answered cheerfully. “Is this Michael?” replied the young male voice on the other line. “Yes it is.” I said, anticipating that someone from high school would reveal his identity to me. “Oh hey!” said the young man, “We’re the missionaries in the ward and we were wondering if we could stop by to teach you sometime?”

It’s been nearly eight months since I last went to church so I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually be visited by missionaries trying to get me to come back. Having been a missionary myself in Paraguay and remembering the day-to-day struggle to fill up your schedule with appointments, I agreed to let the missionaries come and teach me.

The two missionaries arrived and we spent the first ten minutes or so getting to know one another and establishing a good rapport. After the “getting to know you” section of the lesson the missionaries began to teach. It was a simple lesson about the importance of attending church and taking the sacrament and keeping covenants, after which they concluded with the invitation to come to church on Sunday.

“So Michael,” said the older missionary, “will you come to church with us this Sunday?”

I chuckled a little bit and replied, “No, probably not.”

The missionaries looked stunned. I don’t know if they were used to someone being so straight forward with them.

“Can we ask why not?”

I quickly realized they knew nothing about my situation. They probably thought I had just not wanted to go to Young Single Adult ward, or at worst I had committed some little “sin” that made me feel uncomfortable attending church. I quickly debated with myself about whether it was important to even tell them the real reason why I didn’t go to church anymore, or if I should just tell them I would go and then not show up. The first response made me nervous to say, but the latter lacked integrity, so I took a deep breath and decided to just be honest.

“Elders, I’m gay. And that makes going to church and being an active member quite difficult, if not impossible to me.” Their eyes widened and they again seemed shocked by my straightforward reasoning. One of the missionaries began to ask me questions about how that kept me from coming to church, while the other began to search through his scriptures for something to teach to me. I could tell that they both hadn’t dealt with a gay church member before because they looked dumbstruck as they struggled to both understand my point of view while teaching me why I was wrong. After a while I told the missionaries that they didn’t need to try to teach me anything because I already knew every argument and scripture they could share.

“Believe me Elders, I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to be gay. Nor did I just stop believing. This has been a process of self discovery that has gone on for years and will probably continue to go on for a while. But here’s what it comes down to: I didn’t choose to be gay, because I would never want to make myself a minority or leave the society of the Church that I had grown to love so much. So if I didn’t choose to be this way, then I must be born like this. And if God made me like this, then I can’t possibly believe that he would say that being how he made me is inherently wrong. And if he did do that then I can’t believe he’s the embodiment of perfect love. However, I choose to believe that God loves me just the way I am. And that’s about as much as I need to believe at this point in my life.”

The missionaries tried to encourage me to do a few more things before saying they needed to head to their next appointment. They were respectful as they left and said that I was always invited to come back to church. I told them I appreciated their efforts and wished them the best of luck. I shut the door behind them as they left and took a deep breath. I felt calm and content.

You may be asking yourself, “Isn’t this blog supposed to be about dating and meeting guys and kissing and hand holding and Michael’s big adventure as he goes on 100 dates?” Well, yes, yes it is. The anecdote above acts simply as the backdrop for my sixth date. So let’s get onto the date with the (almost) Catholic Priest.

#6 and I actually have quite a few mutual friends. He’s dated a few people that I knew from high school, and he and I had hung out on one occasion prior to our date. When he found out I was trying to go on a 100 dates this year he asked if he could be one of them. He seemed like a really cute, as well as nice and normal guy, and he came with high recommendations from my friends, so I told him that I’d be completely willing to go on a date. We settled on lunch in Northwest Portland at the Thai restaurant “Typhoon” and met on a pleasant Friday afternoon.

Before our food came we did the usual bantering about schooling, work, plans, hobbies, and the like. However, as we were talking about mutual friends he mentioned that I knew the person who had done the tattoo on his back. I asked him what the tattoo said and he replied, “Solus Deus Me Judicet” (“Only God Will Judge Me” in latin). I was immediately intrigued by his choice of words and, even though I try to steer clear of religion on a first date, I decided to ask him the story behind his tattoo.

#6 explained that growing up in Boise, Idaho he had always been religious and attended a protestant church with his family, but, after they had a falling out with their church, he found himself drawn to the Catholic Church. While attending college he became heavily involved in the church and completely devoted himself to learning the doctrines and participating in the local parish. After a while he decided that he wanted to become a Catholic Priest and started the process to enter the seminary, where he would work to become a Priest. However, after some heavy soul searching he decided that what he actually needed to do was not become a Priest, but to come out as a gay man. He did come out, but still identifies himself as Catholic, a notion that confused me, since it is hard for me to identify myself as both Mormon and gay.

“How do you resolve those two largely influential aspects of your life?” I asked him. “Doesn’t one trump the other, especially since you are living as an out gay man? Do you feel completely content with God?”

After explaining a bit about the official Catholic doctrine on homosexuality he started to explain that he didn’t believe that we completely understand what God thinks or who he is or what his intentions are. “The minute we try to put God in a box and speak for him, is the minute we being to lose what the entire point of spirituality is.”

He then asked me how I felt about God and where I was with my spirituality, given my background in the Mormon Church. I told him that I had been very indifferent towards all religion in general as of late, although I still felt that there is some sort of higher power that guides us and created us. I recounted my experience with the missionaries and how it had been a very pivotal moment for me to stand up and say that I didn’t believe that there was only one truth. “Overall,” I explained, “I think that people need to find truth in what works for them and just try to be good people to one another. At the end of our lives I think that’s what going to matter the most. Did we help others? Did we try to make life easier for others? Did we leave the world a better place than when we entered it?”

#6 then recounted something he had read by the Dalai Lama. Apparently the Dalai Lama was asked what his opinion of Western religions often stating that they are the only true faith on earth. The Dalai Lama said, “I view it as this. We’re all climbing up a mountain towards enlightenment. I might be rock climbing to the top. Others may be switchbacking. And still others might be taking a helicopter to land on top. But we’re all headed towards enlightenment. Why does it matter how we get there?” His story resonated a lot with me and really helped me to process a lot of what I had been feeling since my meeting with the missionaries.

#6 and I finished our lunch and left the restaurant and said goodbye. As he left he mentioned that we should get together again sometime, to which I replied affirmatively. I think what attracts me to him more than anything is his dedication to being faithful. It’s easy to say that you don’t believe in anything and use that as a blanket to allow yourself to do whatever you desire (and I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, just that it’s easier) but it’s quite difficult to say, “This is what I believe in. It works for me. And I stand by it.” There’s nothing about that statement that is absolute or purports to be the “truth”. Being confident in what one believes, or even just being able to say what one believes, guides you in your decisions and moves you forward towards your goals. And that’s attractive indeed.