I have a love-hate relationship with my iPhone. I was living in Paraguay when the first generation came out and my father had sent me an email telling me all about it and it was love at first sight for me. I knew I had to have one. So a year later when I returned from Paraguay I went straight to the Apple store and bought one. We've been inseparable ever since. I literally can't think of any time I've really put my phone away for longer than two or three hours. It's constantly there, ready for me to browse wikipedia, check my email, read my news feed on Facebook, tweet on Twitter, or text a friend. It keeps me completely connected to others, which is my greatest blessing and my greatest curse.
As much as I love being so connected, I also hate that I've become so dependent on that connection. If I don't get a response from a text I sent to a guy I'm interested in within three minutes then I immediately begin to wonder if he's interested in me at all. "He must think I'm not cute or that I'm annoying or that my roommate is more interesting," I often think to myself. But actually, the guy might be swimming in a pool, or talking on the phone, or simply hates the impersonal nature of texting! Over the past few months I have gotten a lot better with recognizing that not everyone's use of their cellphone matches my obsession with communication, and that maybe the iPhone that I love so dearly might be preventing me from having some honest and fulfilling conversations with others.
So, one day last week, while the guy who would become date #4 and I were casually texting back and forth during the morning I decided to just ask him out to lunch. I was tired of texting and messaging and wanted to actually meet this guy to see if the interest I felt digitally would transfer to reality.
We went to the Kennedy School for lunch. We both ordered cheeseburgers (I got the blue cheese burger and was thoroughly satisfied) and spent a good amount of time talking and getting to know one another. Throughout the conversation, however, I noticed that I was doing a lot of the talking. Similar to date #1, it seemed like I was driving the conversation and he was simply listening to my stories and plans and ideas. So I switched gears suddenly and decided to get him talking. I asked him about his childhood, where he grew up, his family life, his dating history, his work life, his schooling; I asked him everything I could think of to get a sense of what he is passionate about. By the end of all my questions I had found out that he didn't know what he was passionate about. But more importantly, he knew that he didn't know what he was passionate about, which was redeeming in so many ways. He told me about his plans to move to the South and finish his degree, hoping to find something that would ignite him.
If you haven't noticed, I talk about passion a lot. It's one of the most important characteristics that I've found in not only the people I date, but the people I choose to spend any time with. If you're not passionate about something, or you're not standing for something, then you're not very interesting to me. Standing for something different that's important changes the entire way you live your life, and consequently brings likeminded people into it.
My date paid for lunch despite my protest that I should pay since I invited him out, which earned him a point for being cordial and kind, and we got in the car to head to his place. When we got there he asked me if I wanted to go on a walk around his neighborhood and continue our conversation. I agreed to go because he had been so kind about lunch and because I didn't know the neighborhood too well and wanted to explore it.
After walking for twenty minutes or so we found a cute little coffee/dessert shop and sat down to have some chai tea. The coffee shop was fairly busy but we were able to find a table and chairs near the game area, and we decided to play the card game "War". The whole situation was very picturesque. There was light jazz music playing in a buzzing coffee shop with people studying and conversing and working; and here we were, two young gay men, on a first date, playing a card game and sipping chai in the middle of it all. I can be a hopeless romantic, so I'll admit that the setting made my heart beat a little.
After I beat him at "War" (my first time winning ever) we decided to walk back toward his apartment. As we stepped outside we felt how much the temperature had dropped as the sun started to go down. I put my hands in the pocket of my jacket to shield them from the cold. Unexpectedly I felt his right hand reach into my pocket as well and link with my left. His bravado was charming so I left his hand there and we walked back hand-in-hand to his house, passing tons of people walking home from work or getting an afternoon jog in. It was something I had never done before (hold hands comfortably in public), but I felt calm and content about it, despite it being my first gay public display of affection.
You might be wondering why holding hands in public might be such a big deal for me. "Didn't he just write about kissing on the first date last time?" So I think it's time to reveal something that many people already know but that others might not have gleaned from my first few entries.
October 11, 2010 is when I officially came out. I use the word officially because I've dated guys for almost two years now, and my family and closest friends have known for about the same time, but it wasn't until last October that I really felt safe enough to announce it to the world. (Again, click here if you want to read that post). The reason I didn't come out until I was in my 20s was because I was Mormon (no, I didn't grow up in the Church; my family is fairly apathetic about religion actually) and I was attending Brigham Young University (sponsored by the LDS Church) on a great scholarship. Coming out before graduating would have put me in danger of losing my scholarship and possibly being kicked out of the university. So until the diploma arrived in the mail I decided to stay quiet about my sexuality for the most part.
Now, this entry isn't about my feelings about the LDS Church or about BYU. Although both of those organizations likely influenced what I want to address. But for the greater part of the last two years I really haven't felt comfortable being gay. While living in Utah I wasn't free to hold hands with another man or kiss my boyfriend in public or even bring a guy as a date to a company party. Hell, one day a man screamed "Fags!" at my roommate and me just for riding on my scooter together to rehearsal. (I admit, riding on a scooter together was somewhat asking to be noticed, but we wanted to ride it to rehearsal so we did.) In Utah I had to constantly ask myself how my actions would viewed by others. Moving to Portland has helped me to be more comfortable with expressing myself and not being afraid of being judged. I don't necessarily want to put on a rainbow cape and jeté through the Park Blocks downtown, but I'm happy to know that if I wanted to I could. And walking down the street, hand in hand with my date, was a good first step in feeling confident in my public actions as a gay man.
When we arrived back to my car we hugged goodbye and parted ways. I had had a really good time on the date. As I reflected on the date I realized that he was nothing like I expected him to be. He was a good, kind, and genuine individual, but he lacked the fire and passion that really defines the type of people I'm generally attracted to. But he also had the nerve to grab my hand which I was grateful for. The thought passed through my head that, even if he wasn't passionate about something else, maybe he could be passionate about me? It's a question that merits more thought and likely a post by itself so I'll let it rest for now. But what do you all think? Can a relationship where one party's main focus is their significant other be successful? Thoughts? Opinions? Stories?
First, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate what you're attempting with this blog. Your thoughtful, balanced and honest observations about dating are some of the best I've ever read on the subject because they come from a real and genuine place. It's refreshing that it's so well written, too!
ReplyDeleteIn terms of your question, I personally don't think a relationship can really sustain itself if one party's main focus is solely the other person, primarily because I don't think it's fair to either party. Relationships require a balanced give and take to function for both people involved (or more, with regards to #2), and ideally passion would flow equally. Consider this: what would you receive from a relationship in which you did nothing but focus on the happiness of your significant other? As someone who is clearly passionate about several things, it seems like limiting or just concentrating that passion into one particular place could be stunting. Ultimately though I think it comes down to personalities and whether or not they mesh in a way that allows for this sort of relationship. Most don't seem to, but it takes time to come to that conclusion.
Lastly, your other post about your "officially coming out" reminds me a lot of the yearly celebration I have of my "official coming out" day. I wrote this for my 10 year celebration: http://www.undergroundadric.com/?p=326 and I really benefit, each year, from reflecting on my personal growth as time continues to pass. Congratulations on coming out officially last fall. I look forward to seeing how your year of 100 dates progresses and more wonderfully written thoughts. Thanks!
I ran across a Mark Twain quote a few years ago, something like “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
ReplyDeleteIf you’re that person’s only passion, it wouldn’t be balanced (agreeing with the post above) – Person A would be too willing to be flexible for person B, not that flexibility is a bad thing, it’s just when someone is too willing to adjust or remove pieces of themselves to fit better with another, that individual runs the risk of becoming someone else entirely. Which brings on codependency issues and a laundry list of other problems.
Then again, it depends on the expectations of each party in the relationship. Right? Maybe as you see that person’s devotion to you, he could become more of a passion in your eyes. Speaking from personal experience, this is highly unlikely.
First off, great blog. You have a wonderful, friendly writing style and I can see myself being hooked into following your adventures.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, Re: passion- I too am a man with a Passion Fetish; I think that the most attractive people are those who are invested in ideas/activities with the zest that (to me) makes life worth living. That said, your blog post hit me with a salvo of flashbacks like water balloons. I remember that I used to say on dates that I was "passionate about people's passions," and that said fire was a crucial part of the basic criteria of anyone I would date.
I then thought about one of my past boyfriends, who said that while he couldn't articulate his passion at the time, he felt that he could be really passionate about being "a husband, a partner." He wanted to be a foundation of support, and in some ways, a "house husband."
While I can't say that this was why we ended up eventually going our separate ways, I can say that it reaffirmed my belief that two people need passions, hobbies, and possibly even friends of their own, independent of their respective partner. Rainer Maria Rilke writes, "I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other."
Here's hoping you find your Passionmate!
I can relate a lot about the part when you say we are very attached to technology. It made me laugh because one of my new year resolution was to stop giving it all away through any way of 2.0 communications. It kills the charm of a good talk and you miss to see the spark in the eyes of the other person when they're telling you something relevant
ReplyDelete